A More Traditional Wet

“Look at what I won at the carnival, mom. Algae!”

My neighbor asks me what’s in the bag, so I tell him. Slimy wet rotting fucking algae. It’s what we call a field trip. I suppose the more glamorous things like rainforests are a few weeks away.

I knew we’d be going down to the shore, so I brought my waterproof boots. They work like a charm, as long as the water level stays below the top. I slipped off a rock and went plummeting in. Luckily it stopped just short of my wallet. The cheap cellophane they try to pass off as money would be fine, but its still a fancy leather wallet. I don’t want to have to go back to Florence for another one.

We pluck seaweed, but it doesn’t really matter in the end. We’re supposed to be able to ID this shit, but I don’t listen when she teaches. However, I do discover that seaweed is in fact algae. It just makes me crave sushi a little more. Millions of import Asians in this country, and I can’t get a quality tuna roll if my life depended on it.

A pretty conical shell catches my eye. I pick it up, and rest it in my palm. After a few seconds, four legs come out, and it starts scuttling around on my hand. Hermit crabs, millions of them all over the place. A pack of girls converge around me; they think the little vermin is adorable. I play along, invisibly wincing to myself. Partially because of their grating cutesiness, but mostly because those little fuckers have sharp points on the end of their feet.

Only later did it occur to me that the shell I picked up very well could’ve been a coneshell. Resting it on my palm could’ve been the last thing I ever did, beside gasp for air as my lungs shut down. A desire to scuba dive and an instinct to pick up pretty things don’t go together in Australia. It’s no wonder some of my friends have a running pool over what stings me first.

After sloshing home in portable water balloons (waterproof boots also keep the water in), I try to dry them out with a blow dryer. I only succeed in creating foul-smelling smoke. Artificial fiber isn’t supposed to light. Instead, I place them out on my balcony (yes, I have a personal balcony. Fear me.) to slowly air dry. They’ll probably be done just in time for the fungus unit.

It isn’t lost on me the most common way people encounter venomous Redback Spiders around here is by putting their shoes outside. They love the cold, dark, and damp. Ladies, time to ante up.