Kaka-Doh! (Part 7: The Hut)

A few miles outside of Darwin is a small store called the Didgeridoo Hut. Unsurprisingly, they sell didgeridoos. We all got our hands at playing the wooden instruments a second time, including a massive thing that may have well been an entire small tree. I wondered if the maker was compensating for something. Pretty fun it’s own right, but the real joy was in the glass cages.

The first animals we stumbled across before even entering the store. I found myself wide-eyed, staring into the even wider eyes of an Asian Water Buffalo. WTF!! Then I realized I’d seen them before. Various things that had almost gotten under the wheels of our 4WD included Agile Wallabies, Wild Horses (called Brumbies), Feral Pigs, and yes, even Water Buffalo. Too bad we never stumbled across any wild camel. Our trip to Kakadu was showing us just how ridiculous the invasive species crisis was in Australia.

Speaking of Feral Pig, one was roaming freely right next to the Water Buffalo. Hulking huge and snorting gruffly, it seemed to enjoy licking my ankles. I’m still not sure why.

Anyway, the glass cages. They held a mini cornucopia. Firstly were the big boys, a Carpet Python and a Children’s Python. Both were unavailable for handling that day, but as we’d already checked them off our list, it was not a huge loss. There was also a juvenile Olive Python, which we had wanted to find because was the largest python in the Northern Territory, but we’d have to make due playing with a cute baby. I also picked up the Blue-Tongued Skink, which this time chose not to crap all over me and my closest neighbors, to our relief. But, the three remaining animals are what truly made this stop so memorable.

Have you heard of a File Snake? Probably not, so allow me to explain. Imagine a 3-foot long kielbasa hot dog. Soft but meaty. Now, put that kielbasa inside a water balloon, and fill it so the hot dog is sloshing around loosely inside its wet skin. Now, make that water balloon rough and pointy like a nail file, and droopier than a Shar-Pei, and you’ve got an Arafura File Snake. While this thing is the exact opposite of dangerous, it was still amazing to finally get my hands on it. It was even cooler than our professor described it. Even now, I really want one as a pet. With its flaccid demeanor and adorable puffy face, even Lindsey was coerced into holding it. I’d converted someone to the status of snake lover… sort of.

Next to it sat an old friend. At barely over a year old and a foot long, this Freshwater Crocodile did not seem dangerous at first glance, but it can and will gash your hand open if not de-glove your fingers. If you’ve ever seen pictures of Steve Irwin posing for photos with his beloved crocodilians, you’ll notice he’s always holding a juvenile American Alligator. They’re not native to Australia, but they need to be used for all PR stunts, because a crocodile will thrash and spin and chomp the fuck out of you. But with the weight of the chip on my shoulder threatening to crush my ego flat, I had to go for it.

The secret seemed to be to wait for the little croc to have its head near a corner. When I try to grab it, it’ll instinctively dart forward into the corner, where its head won’t have a good range of movement. It only took a few seconds of waiting for the right moment, when I thrust my hand into the terrarium and grabbed the croc firmly around the midsection with one hand, and lifted it out of its enclosure. The little monster immediately went wild, thrashing about in spasms that looked like they would break its spine. The tail whipped for my face, while the needle teeth reached for a grip on my wrist. However, neither was able to connect, and after only a few seconds of epilepsy, the croc seemed to calm down, accepting my hand as its temporary new residence. Sure, maybe lifting it from a big fish tank was cheating, but without John’s help I’d captured my first crocodile, perhaps the first of many. My resentment began to slide away.

The woman who ran the store walked up to me, and puckered her lips. “You know, you may think you’re safe, but he can twist his neck almost all the way around and sink his teeth deep into your fingers. We might need to kill him to get him to let go.” Then she shrugged and walked away, leaving any future desire I may have to play the piano in the goodwill of one pissed off reptilian. Slowly, I lowered it into its tank, then basically threw it out of my grip. My hands were down and back out faster than brunch at a bulimic’s convention. But I succeeded.

With a little time left at the Didgeridoo Hut, I figured it couldn’t hurt to go look for a Frilled Lizard in their backyard. However, I stopped short when I nearly tripped over a wallaby. A baby wallaby, no less, it didn’t even reach my knees. I slowly kneeled down, and the adorable critter stayed fast. I reached out to pet it, and it began to lick me like a little puppy. I now knew I needed a pet wallaby to go with my file snake. Nearby, I saw a small bottle with a rubber nipple. Was this wallaby already that woman’s pet? Without asking, I picked up the bottle and offered it to the little joey. Instead, it bit me.

That little shit! Here I am, offering it a bottle of yummy delicious milk, and while it seems to enjoy it for a bit, it decides it likes the taste of my finger better. After 2 dragons, 2 goannas, 7 snakes, countless skinks and geckos, and a fucking crocodile, I’m finally bitten. By a baby wallaby, one I’m bottle feeding no less. For the second time in two days, I wonder how my life became so surreal.

But that little scamp was so adorable, I couldn’t stay mad. Hell, it must’ve only been teething; it didn’t even draw blood. After it settled in and we all had our turns posing with the little camera slut, we left that wonderful little shop behind, and finally returned to civilization.

Well, as close to civilization as you can call Darwin. One movie theater and fifteen bars. No surprise it has the highest rate of alcoholism of any city in Australia. We knew we had to contribute to the statistics before the night was over. Kakadu was behind us, but we had one last hurrah.