Anatomy Of A Hookup

Allow me to explain how this works.

Step 1: Go to a gay club. It’s a risky proposition going by yourself, since you have no fallback. However, it also gives you the most freedom. The choice is yours.

Step 2: Find a group of heterosexual girls. Integrate yourself into their group with self-deprecating wisecracks. Tell them you’ve just arrived in Australia, that you don’t know any gay people, and that you’ve never been to a gay club. Doesn’t matter if all three are blatant lies; the sympathy you evoke will make them vital allies.

Step 3: Go dancing with said straight girls. They wont mind if you dance like crap. Use this opportunity to scout around and eyefuck any potential opportunities.

Step 4: Choose someone on the dance floor. Someone cute, someone young, someone just on that cusp of being out of your league. Say to yourself “I’m going to have this boy by the end of the night.” In some cases, its made easier if he’s dancing with hags. These can be identified by being generally overweight and unattractive, and he’s not dancing with them in any sexual manner.

Step 5: Find an excuse to talk to the hags. In this specific case, I asked one where she got the glowstick around her neck. Repeat the same self-deprecating humor and blatant lies about your experience; hetero girls are hetero girls, whether they’re in a pack to avoid sketch men or out with their favorite queer.

Step 6: Invite the whole group to go dancing. Dance with all of them, especially with the hags. This will make said queer grateful for the attention you’re giving them, and make you look like a nice guy. However, never stop making eye contact and giving sexy looks to the boy, no matter who you’re dancing with.

Step 7: Optional. Take a break to go back for drinks, or even leave the bar for some kebabs. Continue to be witty. Steve Irwin references always useful.

Step 8: When the hags decide to go, ask the boy for his number. He’ll probably give it to you.

Step 9: When the hags look impatient, tell them to hold on for a minute. Then grab the boy around the waste, move in, and start making out with him in front of them for about 5 minutes. Then pretend to finish, before going back for an extra 2 minutes.

Step 10: Tell him to come back next Friday for more, with a self-absorbed smirk.

Step 11: On the bus home, accidentally sit next to a girl who happens to have gone to the same bar, go to the same college, and be in the same field course as you. Exchange numbers with her. Especially useful if she’s a lesbian. Now you have a new hookup and a new wingman (wingwoman), when you were all worried at 8pm that the night would be a total disappointment.

Step 12: Repeat on Sunday.

Veni Vidi Vici.