This Only Happens In Cartoons

Let me tell you about The Family. It’s a nightclub in the Fortitude Valley area of Brisbane. It was rated top club in Queensland for multiple years in a row now. It has three floors, each with their own unique vibes. Sunday nights are Fluffy, a gay-themed night often complete with drag performers.

Oh, and it the easiest place in the whole city to score drugs.

I came with four friends: One was a boy I’d hooked up with a few weeks earlier. The second was a boy I suspected had a crush on me, a notion I actively encouraged by flirting with him whenever I had the chance. The third was a quiet boy with a known crush on the second boy. The fourth was an experienced club boy who’d seen and done it all before. He was the glue that kept our group together.

We’d already drank heavily before coming in, so it wasn’t long before we started dancing. Boy Four quickly wandered off by himself. I resumed flirting with Boy Two, and Boys One and Three starting dancing with each other by default.

I’m not sure how long we’d been there. I’m not sure how long I’d been dancing with him. I’m not sure what he said to me or why he showed me his cell phone. After the fact, I’d come to believe that he’d been texting a friend secretly while dancing with me. Apparently, the friend instructed him to kiss me. He showed me the phone, said something I couldn’t hear or can’t remember, and did just that.

I was gloating silently to myself. Yet again, I’d accurately predicted and created a favourable situation. He wanted me, I knew he wanted me, and he knew I knew he wanted me. It was inevitable, and we both knew it.

We moved upstairs; the couches were more comfortable. Unexpectedly, Boys One and Three were already there, though chatting placidly. We sat down and immediately resumed making out. I opened my eyes in the middle, only to be confronted by two jealous stares.

With perfect timing, Boy Four reappears by my side. Gently pushes Two off, who settles instead on my lap. Four whispers to me, but loud enough for anyone not suffering advanced follicle decay in a three meter radius to hear.

“Hey, I scored some pills. Want one?”

The reaction from Two was immediate. He bolted up, and gave me the strangest look. Part quizzical, part angry, part pleading.

“Cmon,” said Four. “These are slow acting, so lets hurry up before it gets late.”

Finally, Two piqued up. “You don’t need that to enjoy yourself. Stay here with me.”

Four replied “You said you wanted it, now you got it. What are you waiting for?”
I know some people personify their conscience with the Angel and the Devil on the shoulders. Unfortunately, this became very real for me. I wanted the boy and I wanted the pills. I knew I couldn’t have both.

Four decided to decide for me. “He’s not what you want. You know that. He’s not your type, he’s not attractive enough, and he won’t sleep with you. The boy wants a boyfriend, he’s a prude. Is that really what you want? Tell me I’m wrong.”

I sat silently, and looked at Two. He pretended he didn’t hear the exchange, but I knew.

A little peace of me slipped. “How expensive are these pills? And how do you know what’s in them? Are they from a reputable dealer?” Two’s face fell, and he seemed to inch away slightly.

My diversion didn’t work. Four pressed on. “Tell me I’m wrong about him.”

Again, I sat silent. Four took this as an agreement, and wandered over to my other side. Held Two around the waist and started to lead him away.

“Wait!.....” There was no follow-up to my quiet plea. I simply watched, somehow helpless, as Four whispered in his ear. The boy looked crestfallen. Is this really how people operate here in Australia? Or is this a reflection of the gay community around the world?

Two returned, and restored his head to its resting place on my lap. A dark glare from me was enough to convince Four that I wasn’t in the mood for pills. He wandered off. One and Three had done so sometime in the middle of our dispute.

A short time later, Two received a text from One. They had decided to leave, and Two would go with them. I followed him to the door. “Are you coming with me?”

I should’ve said yes. But Four was right. I wanted pills and I wanted sex. I wouldn’t get either from Two. So I told him I’d stay a little longer.

“You can walk me to their apartment and come back,” he suggested rather optimistically. But I said no, there was a good chance I’d miss the 3am lockout and not get back in.

Then I kissed him in the doorway for a good minute or two before sending him on his way. Not to be romantic, but to keep him interested in me, just in case. I’d reached a new low of depravity. Promiscuity, drug use, and the manipulation of a poor innocent boy.

I returned to find Four. He smirked as I approached, having likely seen the whole thing. I asked him for a pill, but he told me they were too slow acting. It was too late tonight, and he’d rather save them for another party.

I moved on, back to the dance floor. Spent a little time with some guys without their shirt on, who tend to be a sluttier breed, but they went home before long. Inebriated, I sat down on a speaker to rest. They must’ve thought I was too drunk, so security gently escorted me out despite my spontaneous recitation of the alphabet backwards.

4:30am, and out on my ass. I thought I could have all three, and I got zero. If my conscious had been embodied earlier in the night, now karma was taking center stage. I resolved to make it up to him, if I could. Maybe I’d do the unthinkable and get a boyfriend.